You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
