"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
