My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
