Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(217): View more from Illinois

Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery

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(843): View more from South Carolina

if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(410): View more from Maryland

My mouth holds just enough water for my bong

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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(915): View more from Texas

I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.

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(863): View more from Florida

Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?

(813): View more from Florida

Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.

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