i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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