Cold hands, warm shart.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
