If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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