Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
