Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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