Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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