dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My pussy is not your playground.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
