Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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