The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
