we're chasing vodka with high fives
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
