mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
