I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
