drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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