oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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