i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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