At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
