yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
