i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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