I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
