he puts the penis in happiness.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize