My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
