There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
