why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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