Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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