i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
