How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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