When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my poor anus
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
