I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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