Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
