Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize