two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
