So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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