i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
