I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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