Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You made out with two different species that night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Randomize
