Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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