Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
NoShamevember. You game?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
