Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
