my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
