Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
