He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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