You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
