I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
