I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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