You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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