Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
3pm strippers are depressing
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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