just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
