I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
