I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
