Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
