bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
