cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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