Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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