Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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