So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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