I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
